When I say "fatty mentality", it's usually to define someone who has been overweight or obese for the majority of their life. This is someone who may or may not have a food addiction. This describes a person who has struggled with ups and downs of weight loss and gain, the embarrassment, the shame, the wishing and yearning for leaner bodies and less bondage. I know quite a few who have had surgery and still struggle with the ups and downs. Many are in therapy prior to surgery to help with the mental aspect of their weight issues....but it never fully "cures" them. It's a lifelong struggle. I know it's controversial to talk about food addiction. Some say "it's totally NOT the same thing as drugs and alcohol, just don't eat so much!" and some eye a plate of food like it's a glass of Scotch at an AA meeting. Everyone is different but if you have doubt, ask what it's like for the individual you are tempted to judge. I'll bet they'd rather open up and relieve some of that pressure by explaining their struggle.
Here's where I get a little candid. So I wasn't a fat kid. Well...I was a tiny baby, then a chunky baby...then by the time I started walking I lost the pudge. I wasn't every skinny, lanky, scrawny...I was just average with a little belly. You wouldn't look at me and say "Oh yeah she was fat." You'd say, "Oh you were just normal honey!" But throughout elementary school, I wasn't as lean as my cousins so my mom would tell me I needed to watch and not pig out at birthday parties and things like that. Little by little I started to sneak. Now, before you get all "Ohhh, so that's why! Her mom was too strict!"....she was...but that really wasn't it. It did definitely make me feel like I couldn't appreciate those years, because now I think, "I was totally fine, why did I think I was huge?!" But as far as food goes, that wasn't a huge issue at the time. Now, a little more background...my mom's side, they're all lean folks. Some might gain with age, but they're all slim for the majority of their lives. My dad's side, the women can add some pounds. Diabetes also runs on his side. My dad has always been blessed with a lean body, never a big beer belly or anything like that. Lucky for me, however (eye roll), I went after his side. So neither parent could really understand what my struggle was like. I thought I was the abnormal one amongst all my cousins until I met my cousins from my dad's side. "FINALLY, I look like you guys! I'm not the only one!" Not that we can't stand to lose a few, but it's always nice to know you ain't the only one strugglin'.
So by 6th grade I was developing more of an hourglass figure. I was about a 0-2 in Women's dresses by then. It wasn't until about 10th grade that I started feeling a little chunky compared to my friends. My dad commented once that I was "bigger than the other girls" when he dropped me off for a slumber party. I was curvy where they were slim. I had the butt and the gut and the boobs and I was also wearing makeup and moussing my hair and they were rolling out of bed and into some jeans and a t-shirt. So obviously my whole style was different. Between 10-12th grade, I gained some but I wasn't "fat" still, just technically overweight by medical standards and had the older guys drooling. High school guys don't appreciate a womanly figure. lol By high school graduation I was 135lbs. A size 10 jean skirt. I think I still have that skirt. I might have a pair of shorts too. I look at them and think, "no way I'll ever fit into those again in my lifetime".
I worked, took some classes at the community college, worked some more. Then I got a job in corporate world and went from a size 10/12 to a 14/16 in about a year and half. I "blew up". I know what I ate too. I had a secret love affair with the peanut m&m machine. And the snack machine. And Subway. And I wasn't getting turkey and mustard either. Nope, it was steak & cheese. And chips. And soda. And cookies. I was also eating sushi. And pasta. And trying new restaurants and being social and I had money and blah blah blah. By the time I got my passport for a trip to London, my diamond/oval (yes, there is such a thing as a diamond face) was round and I was hiding under big sweaters and not really giving a hoot. Over the next two years following, I went up and down and settled at 160 when I met my husband (now ex, father of my beloved kiddos). I was "thick", had a definite belly and my confidence was kind of in the toilet. (Life lesson #3,487: Don't stick with a rebound, a rebound is meant to get you over your previous relationship and on to the next one.)
I got pregnant with my son and gained 28 pounds with that pregnancy. The doctor told me he'd be 8 pounds because of my size...uh....that's ME with that gut, not the poor baby. He was 6.14oz. After he was born, I lost some but by the time he started sleeping more, I had more time to eat. I also had time to shop a little more so I was buying junk and quick, easy stuff to eat. I wasn't happy on so many levels. But when he was about a year old, my husband was gone for the whole summer for work and I decided to try Jenny Craig and surprise him when he got back. I busted my hump for three months to lose 20 pounds so I could be closer to the weight I was when he met me. (Life lesson #3,488: Don't ever work on YOU for someone else. They won't ever appreciate the effort or the results like YOU will. So do it for you, babe.) So obviously he wasn't jumping for joy. Little by little I said some colorful things in my head and ate more. Again. Around that time I got pregnant with my daughter. I had a toddler and a husband (I think I blocked a lot of this time period from my memory, a "challenge" doesn't begin to cover this time in my life) and not much time to pig out. I remember eating mostly cold sandwiches for lunch and dinner because they were easy, quick and I didn't have to think about anything. So I only gained 14 pounds with my daughter. Again, they said I was going to have a "big baby" because of my size. She was 5.75oz when she was born. I barely fed her when she was in my tummy, poor thing! I had some complications after having her and I lost some weight after that but again, around the 4-5 month mark, I started eating again.
My highest after having my children was 190. I was BLOWN UP. I'm 5'2..5'3 if you count my curly hair. I hold my weight relatively well for being short but at the same time, even 5 pounds makes a big difference in look and feel, let alone 50lbs + extra. When I saw pictures of myself around this weight, my face was puffy and the makeup wasn't enough to hide the bloat. I remember buying a 1x dress for a wedding. AND it was black. I don't want to think what I would have looked like in those pictures if it wasn't black.
My kids are 8 and 6 now. My daughter says, "If you get skinny, we won't be able to recognize you." That about says it all, folks. I've been big for so long that it's now who I am. I don't like it. I don't want to be known for being divorced/fat/single/broke/needs a man/needs a house/needs a pet/needs to put down the soda and chocolate etc etc. None of those things are positive attributes and in the last couple of years, I feel like I might as well be wearing a sandwich board that says that crap. So it's time to turn things around. The health,the budget, the looks, the goals, everything. You know when you see those shows where they remodel a bathroom or a kitchen and they only fix a couple things to keep everything within budget? And you sit there thinking, "Why didn't you change that over there?!?!" Well, that's me. I'm not changing just one corner, it's the whole flippin' thing.
Now, I'm not delusional. We are what we repeatedly do. So up until now, I've yo-yo'd. I've gotten on the wagon, then fallen off...then been run over the wagon and tried clawing my way back on it. I've seen the eye rolls (I'm usually the first one to roll 'em) and I know when people think, "Ohhhhkay, you go right ahead sweetheart, we'll be here when you get tired." It'll take time to replace the current norm with the new one. I get it. It took me YEARS to be blahhh and unhappy with my body. So I'm not going to be a transformation "after" overnight. It'll take months. But that's okay. Because the "layers" I mentioned earlier will take time to develop as well.
My mission is to turn this thing around, from mental to physical, from head to toe. I am so passionate about skin care and makeup, enhancing a woman's natural beauty and bringing out the best version of herself. I'm saying the right things, doing the right things....but oh, you can't look lower than my neck. Isn't that silly? So I want to encourage others with their wellness in body and mind, in the same way that I do about the "girly stuff". It starts with me first. I can't tell you to put on some blush and concealer because you look like death warmed over if I look like a haggard mess myself, now can I? Well, the same thing goes with body health and fitness.
I don't want to take advice from someone who has been lean all her life and doesn't know what it's like to sneak the 4th package of something in an hour. Or the chick who complains on Monday about the 2 pounds she gained over the weekend when she'll poop a couple times and be back down to her typical 120 weight by Thursday. Honestly, I can't relate to someone who is 100+lbs overweight either. It's a different struggle. Some points I get, but to that person, I'M the twit who is complaining about the 50 pounds when she has 175 pounds to lose, you know what I'm sayin'?
Here are my goals for the near future: The next 21 days are for Beachbody's Shakeology and 21 Day Fix Challenge. The latter part of the month will be double workouts, at different parts of the day to help rev up my metabolism. The fitness program also comes with meal plan and special portion containers to help my eating stay on track. I'm experienced with many Beachbody programs but this will be my first time combining Shakeology with one of the programs, and 21 Day Fix is new for me! My overall goal is to lose 50 pounds. I'm hovering between 175-180 and have been for at least the last two years. 130lbs would be my approximate 12th grade weight. Curvy, hourglass but a world of a difference compared to what I am now. That was my "hottest" time...so if the goal is to be the best version of ourselves, that was my best version. It's not "medical standard" weight according to my height but I'm not looking for that. I know that as I come down on the scale, I'll be able to tell what my "healthy" feels like and that will allow me to hover at a more comfortable place on the scale.
As I work hard on this challenge, I hope to encourage others along the way. I won't beat you over the head with fitness posts because, let's be real, that can get annoying when you're sitting there reading while you eat a bag of chips, right? (Been there, totally done it a million times.) I do hope to combine my passion for the face AND body and one day, be an example of wellness from the inside out, from head to toe.
