(I bought a notebook that said "Thoughts and Wisdom" recently and my son decided to take it to write HIS thoughts and wisdom down. I'll sacrifice if it means he'll practice his handwriting and spelling.) These are some of the things I've heard or learned the hard way myself that I'd like to share with you:- Don't keep score against each other. You're on the same team and your spouse isn't your opponent.
- Expectations ruin relationships. Don't expect that your partner should do things the way you do, or even love you the way you hope they will (or love you the way YOU show love to them). They do it their way and you expecting differently sets you in a tone of them constantly disappointing you because they don't deliver what you expected.
-Be wary of the "little nothings" that slip out of your mouth, not just in arguments but in day to day life. Teasing and judgments, criticism and commentary are things that the other will be accepting and paying attention to..you never know what will be the thing they hold on to in their heart.
So many, many times I've heard not only in my own relationships but from others, that later on, something comes up and you say, "Gosh, I had no idea you felt that way." or "I didn't know I even made you feel bad or that you didn't like that." "Why didn't you tell me X long ago?!" It's the things we hold in or feel like we won't be heard if we share with the person we are supposed to be closest to that come back to haunt us later on. Which leads me to...
- Men and women are both guilty of this...you can't blame the other person for your anger or upset if you don't give them a chance to understand, to apologize and to make it right/better. Allow them that opportunity to make adjustments and improve.- Your spouse is not your go-to person for every category on your list. Your husband may not be your shopping partner, your chick-flick partner or your "let's discuss our menstrual cycle and browse Pinterest at the same time". He probably cannot HANDLE, (notice I didn't say WANT), hearing about your three-hour to-do list and every little bicker the children had today. Condense it, bring up the highlights and let him have a turn.
- Be careful about how much you share about your spouse with friends and family. No one other than the two of you live together and share the day in/day out. If there's a conflict and you talk about it with others, they just hear the conflict, voice their opinion, make their judgments and that's all they remember. They aren't around when you've resolved the issue and had fun making up. It isn't fair to your partner to have to apologize and make up with not only you but your mother, your sister, your father, your cousin or your BFF. How would you feel if you had to face these folks at a get-together after having a major conflict and feeling like you needed to explain yourself after your spouse had a marathon chat-session with his/her peeps? Not a good time, that's for sure.
- Don't blame the other person for why you've "lost yourself". They fell in love with you...they didn't expect you to morph into something else. If you feel like you've let other things take priority or you have dreams or plans, share them. Tap into that part of you that connects your past to your future. Make sure you carve out time for hobbies and interests that don't include him/her right by your side, even if it's once or twice a week for an hour. Maybe it's in the evenings and instead of watching the same show together, you choose to do something else in the same room. You aren't joined at the hip...and you may come to resent him/her if one day you want to detach and move that other leg and realize it's fallen asleep on you. ;-)
